I don't believe in god, but I still pray.
I think we drove six hours to get there. I didn’t really want to go, but I could tell that my mom needed a break and given it was July and school wasn’t in session for another month, I was bored.
I was at camp for fourteen days, two weeks on the dot. On our last day, we were told to gather in a dark room. This was the room that we were to find our spirituality in.
My bunk-mates and I sat criss-cross on the floor, prepared for our hearts to meet Jesus. I remember my camp counselor saying to us -
“You can stay in here as long as you need in order to find Jesus in your heart.”
We all laid down, said our prayers, and attempted to accept Jesus.
The kids around me must have only been laying there for a minute when they bounced up, and left like it was nothing.
I sat for thirty minutes, waiting to feel and/or accept Jesus.
Finally, I sat up and walked out with a smile on my face.
I faked it.
No matter how hard I tried, I never felt Jesus that night.
I wondered if something was wrong with me.
I was ten.
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After an entire afternoon in the administrator’s office, my mom grabbed my arm and told me “we’re leaving.” We walked out of the building, and across the parking lot in silence. I was trembling with anxiety, as I knew I was in trouble though I couldn’t pin point exactly what I had done.
“Your principal told me it’s best you don’t come back to this school” my mom said with disbelief.
“Did you take it out of my purse this morning?” she continued.
“No, I didn’t. I swear,” I said as I shook my head.
This was the exact moment I got kicked out of catholic school for wearing makeup.
Well … asked to leave, rather.
I was wearing makeup, but it was clear. I loved my long eyelashes, and my mom taught me earlier that year how to curl and wear clear mascara so that your natural lashes stand out a little bit more. We weren’t allowed to wear makeup at the catholic school I attended.
I was and I quote “a distraction to the learning environment.”
I was twelve.
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It wasn’t until I was about sixteen that I began to question christianity. I felt like I loved God, so this made it difficult to understand why my conscience was pulling away. I tried to fight it. I went to church every Sunday. I loved the routine of seeing my favorite people once or twice a week, all in one room, singing as a congregation and lifting our spirits towards a positive tomorrow. I loved to read the bible, to talk to someone silently when alone, and I loved to pray.
Both my head and my heart felt otherwise, I couldn’t ignore these feelings anymore and began to evaluate. This was around the same time that I got my own car, started drinking, and became “independent.”
My evaluations began with the people around me who were often sinning and asking for forgiveness the following Sunday. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
Okay, so you’re going to chug whiskey on Friday night, sleep with someone you hardly know on Saturday night, and tell God that you’re still saving “the real thing” for marriage on Sunday morning so that you didn’t feel disowned? Right. A cherry doesn’t pop twice.
Not to mention, lie to your parents about where you were the night before, too. Hmm. Isn’t lying a sin?
Bible study became gossip hour, my small group leaders started to tell me the way I should live my life in a very condescending yet religiously positive tone, and I began to feel judged for the way I dressed. Which was often in black, with fishnets, and winged eyeliner.
I know what you’re thinking
“Not all Christians are like that.”
You’re so right! I have some amazing Christian friends who aren’t like that at all. What I’m saying is that the deeper I got into adult life, the more fucked up christianity became in my opinion.
Furthermore, this was the age I started to really understand what feminism is. I remember reading a passage on St. Paul’s advice and it stating -
“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12)
Silent? What the shitting fuckity fuck. I think not.
Here are a couple of other incredibly misogynistic passages just for further reference:
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)
"And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire." (Leviticus 21:9)
"Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean." (Leviticus 12:2)
"But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." (I Corinthians 11:3)
"Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go." (Judges 19:24-25)
but wait ... there’s more!
"If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silvers, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
"Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Hosea 13:16)
Anti-LGBTQ+? The Bible’s got you covered on that, too
“If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act.” (Leviticus 20:13)
“For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.” Romans 1:26-27,
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This isn’t to bash or attack anyone. I’m quoting from both the New and the Old Testament. In which, Christians often argue that they don’t go by the Old Testament anymore. Every Christian is different, I know people who still do. I’m stating above a few of the reasons why I began to evaluate Christianity.
Now here’s what I think is beautiful about Christianity -
The power of prayer.
I pray. Still have, and always will. Though I find myself to be agnostic now, when I pray, I don’t pray to God. I pray to a higher power. I pray to my Source Energy.
I believe in spirits, fate, karma, and the universe. I believe that you get out what you put in. I believe in there being something much bigger than us. I believe in source energy, vibrations, and wisdom through preaching. I believe in evolution, education, science, and natural selection. I believe in abortion, and equal rights. I’m anti-gun, anti-racism, anti-wall, and most importantly, anti-Trump. I believe in being kind, not because a big man in the sky is watching me and will judge or punish me for my sins, but because I feel it’s the right thing to do.
I’m writing this post today because I’m often silent over my black sheep opinions. I don’t believe in god, and haven’t for a long time but that doesn’t mean that I don’t support you loving god! I love that you love god. I won’t judge you for loving god. I won’t judge you for sinning. I won’t judge you for eating pork, saying fuck, getting a divorce, abortion, or even a nose job for fucks sake. If you’re my friend and you show me respect, I will do the same.
It’s okay to accept what you do not understand. I’ve had to do that for many years, and now I’m asking you to do the same. I’m asking you to not look at me differently, to not look down on me, to not think I worship the devil, to not think that I’m a bad person, and so on. There’s a negative stigma around those who don’t believe in God. There’s a negative stigma around those who do believe in God.
We need to focus on positivity.
Jesus might have died for our sins, but he didn’t die for a little girl to be told she’s a distraction in the learning environment because she felt beautiful in the choices she made that day. They won’t feel looked down upon because of their gender. They won’t feel judged for feeling confident in their beauty. They won’t feel judged for feeling confident in their religious beliefs.
