Switch Light

Can you believe it? You’re alive. There was a day your parents found out you were going to exist, and a day when you took your first breath. Do you ever think about those moments? There was a moment you were dressed for your very first day of school, and maybe even a day you graduate. Or maybe not, and that’s okay, too.

The older I get, the quicker the narrative changes. My dreams as a little girl are just as obtainable, only, I’m not ignorant anymore. I see these dreams with the same doe-eyed innocent glare, but if I blink, it hurts. It’s like everything I’ve ever dreamt of pans into looking at a star in the sky, rather than a bright light at the end of a tunnel. Some days, I feel that light absorb into every pore, fiber, and thought. Other days, I stare at the sky, remembering what it felt like to not be dimmed.

The thing is, though, I was born to be a light. On my dimmest of days, I still shine. So do you. The reminder of your greatness is really why I’m writing this tonight.

I feel dim, in a low lit hot pink room.

When I write, I write for myself. However, when I blog, I blog for us. Whoever may be on the other screen at this moment, wherever in the world you are, I’m writing this for you. My fingers can’t type fast enough; tears sometimes follow.

The majority of age twenty-four has really sucked. If you keep up with my socials, you might know this. I don’t post as often, and I don’t care to. There was a time when Instagram was a “hustle,” and don’t get me wrong it definitely still is, but not in the way it used to be — not in the way it was when I was twenty-three. I care less because I’ve lost a lot. Death, yes. Innocence, absolutely. This has been the year I’ve questioned everything, and not in a

“is my style changing?” way.

More so in a —

“How will this benefit me?” way.

At first glance, that might sound selfish. Everything I do sounds selfish, really. I struggle with having to explain myself a lot, especially as a conceptually-thinking introvert who likes to be alone. I’ve spent quite a few nights pondering why it is that I’m this way, and if the way I am is something to apologize for. After twenty-four heart-felt non-confrontational years, I’ve put my foot down. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is simply too short to continue apologizing for my personality.

I am this way for a reason. The more I give into peer pressure, the blurrier my truest self becomes. Peer pressure can arise in all forms, not just going out and partying. Texting, for example, has become a back-burner task I’m grateful for but no longer stressed out by. My closest friends have always known this about me, and the realest friends are the ones who don’t get upset when you really just need to be left alone. The realest friends are the ones who accept you for who you are, and trust that you’re going to have their backs when they need it and vice versa — not the ones who get mad at you for not responding. The real ones will get it, because they’re too busy finding themselves, too.

The older I get, the less bullshit I want to deal with. Actually, I think I’ve just gotten to the ultimate “no bullshit” point in life entirely. Death makes you aware of every phrase, wasted moment, and holiday out there. Death gives you no option but to hold the mirror and question everything around you.

Everything could be gone in a second.

You were born for a reason. There was a reason your parents found out about you, clothed you, fed you, and watched you blossom into an extension of their DNA. You were put on this earth for a reason, and the more outside force you let in, the harder it is to feel clarity.

I feel clarity for the first time since I was a child. I think this is being an adult.

All the middle school shit, the high school shit, the college shit, the first job shit, the first heartbreak, the failed classes, the lost friends, the

everything.

Everything leads up to every moment, but only you get to choose what you do with that moment now that you’re an adult.

I want to blossom every moment of every day. I want to be the best version of myself every day. I want to be selfish, because I want to be alone. When I’m alone, I write. When I write, I receive emails and messages and connect to new faces and remind them of their worth, too. When I’m selfish, I connect to the world on a deeper level, and that’s okay. It’s okay to get this connectedness through nights out, friends over, and conversations had. For me, personally, I like to be alone but good company. I’ve always apologized for this, until I realized it could help me change the world.

You have to put your own mask on, before helping others.

To be selfish for no reason, is to be selfish. To be selfish within reason is to be selfless.

Changing the world is my light at the end of the tunnel, and my star in the sky. Regardless of the brightness of the light, it’s still there. You are still here. You are in control, now more than ever.

All it takes is one person to change the world.

So hold your own mirror, before death does. Love the person in the reflection. Focus more time on the person in the reflection, rather than who could be in the reflection with you. I like to think that every person born is born for a reason, and that children are natural light. After you spend time holding your mirror, things begin to make sense. I know what I want to focus on, I know who I want to focus on. I know who I want to become, and why I want to become her. I don’t want to be anything less than the realest person I can be, the realest friend, sister, daughter, and self.

The light inside of me can only be dimmed, not shut off. It exists whether I close my eyes, turn the corner, or travel to the other side of the world.

Same goes for you, stranger. Be the light you were born to become.

x

AA

this photo describes the exact moment in life when I stopped dealing with the bullshit